I can't seem to grasp any sort of control over anything. Mind you, I am not one of those control-freaks, but I do like a sense of structure and discipline. There are so many fundamental factors of my life that are out of control.

I can't even begin to describe the emotional agony that I am feeling right now. Sure, most days, it's smiles and waves, air kisses here, blow kisses there. But I know that there are triggers that make me swing to the other end of the spectrum.

I hate feeling useless, I hate being on a surf board, waiting for a wave in the calm sea. To top it off, when the waves come, I panic. Because I've been waiting for so long, I forget what it's like to prop myself up and go. Then- when I miss that ride back to shore and I'm clinging for life on my board. It effing sucks.

I keep telling myself over and over again that I am WAY better off than other people. I am actually living above the poverty line, no matter how minute the margin maybe- I am still over that poverty line. And hell ya, I am thankful for it.

There are other factors that play on my mind, dancing and prancing, poking at my nerves hopeing to set off the right one, and boom!! LANDMINE

I hate feeling....I hate not being able to take whatever is bothering me, crush it up and throwing it away. It is not concrete, it is sooooo abstract, you know it's there, but you can't hold it and examine it....

I feel like I am free falling from 10,000 ft without a parachute and I am falling fast.